Commentary: A stranger told me she never takes parenting advice from an Asian. Here's why negative stereotypes persist

In a bid to scale my parent coaching business, Juicy Parenting, I recently waded into the murky waters of Facebook ads.

I had been warned by more experienced marketers that greater exposure via online advertising would necessarily mean greater exposure to online trolls.

True enough, barely a week into my Facebook ads foray, I received the following comment from a stranger:

“Would never take parenting advice from an Asian.”  

Based on her profile, she was a Caucasian grandmother from Louisiana, United States.

At first, I was in disbelief.

Who would say such a thing out loud, much less put it online for all to see? Doesn’t she know that one’s digital footprint can never be wiped off the internet?

Once I got over my shock at the blatant racism, however, I did start to wonder: Why does this person have such a negative impression of Asian parents in the first place?

What Asian families has she encountered that have led her to believe that we have nothing to offer?

A QUICK CAVEAT

At this juncture, I want to be perfectly clear:

The point isn’t to pit “Western parenting” against “Asian parenting”, nor to start a fruitless argument about which is “better”.

Sure, some aspects of Asian parenting — with its typically harsh and punitive approaches — can be improved.

But that certainly doesn’t mean Western parenting is perfect, or has all the answers, either.

Also, it’s worth emphasising that not all Asian and Western parents are the same. There are many Asian parents who choose not to hit their kids, just as there are many Western parents who reach for the belt and spank their children.

The point here is simply to reflect upon myself, my work, and my community, to ask ourselves: 

How can we completely redefine what Asian parenting can look like in a modern age?

Is it possible for us to let go of traditionally harsh and punitive approaches, and embrace evidence-based ones that prioritise connection and mutual respect instead?

TIME FOR CHANGE

The truth is, there is a lot about traditional Asian parenting that needs to change.

For one, we’ve got to stop hitting and caning kids.

This is often believed to be a “Western” philosophy — something that works for “them” but not “us”. 

However, local research — including a 2022 study by Singapore Children’s Society and Yale-NUS College — has shown that childhood beatings are not only ineffective in teaching moral values, they are also consistently associated with increased aggression, poorer emotional regulation, and lower self-esteem. These negative effects often last well into adulthood.

Next, we need to shift our lens when it comes to crying and “negative” emotions.

It’s common to hear this advice doled out to new parents: “Don’t give your toddler attention when they cry. Just ignore them — they’ll soon realise it has no effect on you.”

But psychologists have long warned that this is not only counter-productive, but also damaging. It could even be tantamount to emotional neglect.

US paediatric psychologist Dr Mona Delahooke notes: “Rather than ignoring, it’s best to do the opposite: Pay extra attention to behaviours, and ask the question: How can we help the child to communicate? 

“When we ignore children, we risk shutting down their attempts to do what we want them to do most: Communicate with us.”

Third, it’s time to stop expecting blind obedience from our children. The most well-known example of this can be seen every day, where we meet their curious “Why?” with “Because I’m your father/mother and I said so.”

Is it harder to take the time to explain our boundaries? Yes. 

Will our kids always get it, or be satisfied with our explanation? No.

Does that mean we shouldn’t bother at all? Of course not.

It doesn’t mean we should lapse into permissiveness, either.

The point is to refrain from using dead-end strategies, that wrongly signal to kids that asking questions — or even expressing disagreement respectfully — is a crime. 

This way, we have a much better chance of raising individuals with well-developed critical-thinking skills and habits.

TRAITS TO KEEP

At the same time, there’s so much that’s good and timeless about Asian parenting that needs to stay.

For starters, long may our respect for elders continue. Those with more experience deserve to be valued by the societies they spent their lives helping to build.

We should also continue to uphold our fierce loyalty to family. In a world where loneliness is on the rise across the globe, intergenerational interdependence is a strength, not a weakness.

In addition, Asian parents’ deep sense of responsibility and unwavering work ethic must be treasured, as it fuels our willingness to do whatever it takes to give our kids a leg up in life.

These strengths are exactly why I’ve always believed that Asian parents have so much potential to be great.

But we waste it by continuing to let fear guide our parenting, by believing adages like “不打, 不成才” (which translates to “If you don’t hit your kids, they’ll amount to nothing” — basically, the Chinese equivalent of “spare the rod, spoil the child”).

As with anything else, it’s always best to double down on what works, and tweak what doesn’t. Imagine the sea change we’d make to the generations down the line, if we just tried to grow beyond traditional mindsets.

BEING FIRM AND KIND

As for that internet troll who said she would never take parenting advice from an Asian?

Here’s how I responded: “That’s okay, I’m not for everyone! Hopefully your kids break the cycle of making snap judgments about an entire continent of people.”

That’s the kind of future I want for my kids: Where they won’t stand for others’ poor behaviour; where they’re able to disagree respectfully; and where they can hold their position firmly and kindly.

But that can only happen if we first raise them firmly and kindly, too.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Kelly Tay is a parent coach, the founder of Juicy Parenting and a mother of two. She teaches Asian parents how to raise successful, resilient, and disciplined children — without needing to raise their voice, or their hand.