Adulting 101: I 'broke up' with my best friend 10 years ago, so why does it still bother me today?
SINGAPORE – Slumped on my couch at the end of another hectic workday, I reached for my mobile phone to watch TikTok videos.
This mindless scrolling usually brings me some respite, but when one video caught my eye, strange feelings started building up inside of me.
The video was of a woman sharing candidly about how she felt after ending a friendship with someone close.
Rarely do I give TikTok videos any more than a minute of my rapt attention, but here I was, listening intently to this stranger’s account.
What she said dredged up deep-seated memories of my childhood best friend.
I recalled how our bond felt unbreakable during our teenage years, how we both knew each other’s dreams and secrets and then, sadly, how we simply stopped talking to each other as we transitioned to adulthood.
There was a minor disagreement over the text messages we exchanged on a topic — which took me some time to even recall after I watched that video — and that led to the eventual demise of our kinship.
Our mutual silence after that conversation stretched to the next day. This turned into a week, which became a month, and in the blink of an eye, a decade went by.
I still think about her sometimes when I see things we used to talk about, but the intensity of the feelings evoked by these fleeting thoughts has waned over the years.
Listening to this stranger on TikTok, however, made me realise that I had never really gotten over my “break-up” with my childhood friend.
I also did not talk to anyone about what it felt like to lose her back then.
Everyone I knew talked about breaking up with their significant other, but never about losing a best friend, so although I was hurting, I thought that this was something I just needed to get over without making a big fuss.
Is it “normal” to let something that happened so long ago bother me still? And should I bother to mend our severed bond?
WHY FRIENDSHIP BREAK-UPS HURT
Experts whom I approached said that the end of a friendship can lead to feelings similar to what people feel when they are grieving the death of a loved one and after they break up with their romantic partners.
Feeling sad, lonely and angry is common, and in cases where there is a lack of closure to the relationship, there are other feelings of confusion and self-doubt.
Ms Jean Tan, a clinical psychologist with Clinical Psychology Associates, said that some friends can be even closer to us than family members, yet friendship break-ups are thought to be "insignificant" to some people and so, the loss is overlooked.
“This is known as disenfranchised grief, where one is expected to just ‘get on with it’... It is a stark contrast to a situation where a significant family member is lost to either death or divorce,” she added.
Similarly, clinical psychologist Dawn Chia with Annabelle Psychology said that friendship break-ups are “interestingly” less talked about than romantic relationships.
They can also go undefined without a proper conversation or closure for the persons involved.
“These unspoken endings can give rise to feelings of confusion and second-guessing one’s importance or role in the friendship.”
In the immediate aftermath of a friendship break-up, it may be tempting to “hide” and withdraw from socialising, but it is important to seek the support of other close friends or loved ones, Ms Chia added.
“Hearing the perspectives of those we trust could also provide reassurance to counter our negative thoughts or beliefs about what went wrong."
To ensure that there is no long-lasting psychological impact after a break-up, the experts said that it is best to process these difficult emotions rather than burying them.
Pushing these feelings aside usually leads to years of guilt or self-blame, as well as the tendency to second-guess one’s role in a friendship and withdraw from other friendships.
Ms Chia stressed that it is important to acknowledge and forgive ourselves for any mistakes and shortcomings and celebrate our strengths.
THE SILVER LINING TO FRIENDSHIPS ENDING
The upside to a friendship ending is the opportunity for personal growth, the experts said.
Relationships end for a number of reasons. They may include growing apart due to life transitions or differing values, incompatibility, trust violations, or even toxic behaviour and patterns, they added.
Unpacking the issues from a friendship and why it ended the way it did can unlock a number of life lessons.
Mr James Chong, clinical director of psychotherapy and counselling centre The Lion Mind, said that if a friendship was toxic, for example, it is crucial to understand why it was appealing in the first place.
“What need was it fulfilling that other friendships were not?
"Can you find healthier ways to address that need in your life now? By understanding the dynamic, you can avoid similar situations in the future.”
He also said that if people find it difficult to unpack this themselves and it is bothering them, it may be advisable to seek professional help.
Ms Tan from Clinical Psychology Associates said that personal growth may also mean acknowledging that some things in life will come to a natural end, and friendships or other relationships do fizzle out on their own.
IS THERE HOPE FOR RECONCILIATION?
Asked if there was a possibility of reconciliation after a break-up, Mr Chong said that it was possible, although one should also be prepared for a negative outcome and be cautious.
“Your lives have likely changed significantly, and the ‘you’ of today may not be compatible with the ‘you’ they remember.
“Be prepared that things might not go as planned. Respect their decision if they are not receptive and focus on your own growth and healing. Even if you reconnect, the friendship will likely differ from how it was before,” he advised.
Similarly, Ms Tan said that it is important to evaluate if the friendship lost is worthwhile and ask myself if both parties had any differing beliefs or values that would negatively affect the friendship.
“If both people's views differ greatly and their perspectives on life in general are very different, then the friendship may require both parties to be sensitive to each other's preferences.
“However, if there is a power differential or one undermines another for their views, subsequently affecting one's view of one's self-worth, it will be better to leave the friendship,” she added.
Speaking to the experts has given me some closure, although I foresee myself still occasionally thinking about what I could have done to salvage my lost friendship and if things could have been different if I had reached out to reconcile sooner.
After closely analysing the friendship I had with my childhood pal, I now realise that we had our inherent differences and outlooks on life from the start, even though I had considered her my closest confidante.
As for whether I plan to reach out to her to forge a new type of friendship, I'm still mulling over this because if the conversation goes awry, I’m not sure if I can handle another "break-up".
